I’ve been wanting to write another blog post, but for a while, it didn’t feel right.
My time here, as exciting as it has been, has also held one of the most challenging seasons of my life.
In early September of 2018, I was anticipating the new adventure ahead, excited to see New York City, and really looking forward to escaping. As I prepared to leave the country, I think I knew that I was running; running from the overwhelming emotions. But at the same time, I really hoped that my time in the U.S. would be one of healing.
It has been, but not really in the way that I thought it would.
I had just surrendered a major part of my life to God, and as grateful as I am for the way that He has grown and taught me through it, in those early stages, it tore me apart; a telltale sign that it had taken too high of a place in my life. In the challenges that followed my decision to surrender, the heartache overwhelmed me and I felt an urge to leave; go somewhere far away where I couldn’t be reminded of how hurt I was. This opportunity to work as an Au Pair was something I had thought about for a long while, and now, I had enough reasons to go.
My life was and is still immensely blessed. Certain people that God has placed into my life have become dear friends. I was surrounded with loving people both in the social and work aspects of my life. It’s eye-opening to see just how much I took these things for granted. This perspective gained from leaving it all behind for a while is one that I’m grateful for.
So, fast forward to September 24th. I hopped on a plane and left Canada behind! My first few weeks were exciting, challenging and distracting. Something that soon became clear to me though, was that the hurt that I felt back home could be amplified by external factors, but was definitely not rooted there. The wounds were spiritual and emotional, and wouldn’t you know, I had brought my spirit and emotions with me to this new place.
I began to realize that what I had done was take my damaged self away from my closest friends and family. I took myself away from what I knew well. I was still hurting, just in a different country with people that didn’t really know me. Suddenly the year ahead seemed much too long. What I had hoped to be a time of healing and learning now looked like a valley that seemed to stretch on for ages. In the crippling loneliness, I kind of just survived for a while. Instead of searching for a way through this valley, I started to accept it as my reality.
I remember a specific moment, one that unveiled something important. I came upon a song that reminded me of a close friend whom I miss and of a really inspiring, recent season of my life. Listening to the song, it transported me to this friend’s car; blasting the music through the speakers and me singing along. I could remember the resounding theme of that moment; it was love; God’s love that filled my heart and coursed through my veins. Suddenly transported back to the present, I was hit with the contrast of the emotion. How had I forgotten that love? How had I forgotten the power of such a love to fill me with life?
Some things became very clear to me during this journey. This forgetfulness of mine was not something that had happened quickly. It had taken both time and many quiet lies from the enemy for me to reach that point. It had happened so slowly that it was difficult for me to notice just how drastic things that actually changed.
Another thing was that I was not simply the victim. I had work to do, parts of my life that needed God’s repair or removal. I started to recognize the selfishness that had found its way into my life. It was amazing to see how differently my overall mood changed once I addressed this problem and sought out what I could do for others; how I could replace selfish with selfless.
It would be nice to say that from that moment on, everything was uphill. It was not. Some really difficult stuff would arrive after. I would find myself stumbling and having to reassemble my priorities. Things still aren’t all butterflies and sunshine. But, suddenly, I remembered the life that was available to me. I also realized the scheme of the enemy. Don’t underestimate the cunning of our adversary. Do any of these sound familiar?
You really think God is going to wait around for you to get it right? He’s given up on you.
Those people seem to be having fun, is it really all that bad?
This life is about you, how can you find pleasure? This thing over here will make you feel good again.
He only loves you when you’ve stopped messing up. You messed up? Better work hard to get that love back again.
The interesting thing is, many of us if not all of us have experienced the terms regarding that last one with someone in our lives. Sadly, the love or approval of humans can often be very conditional. In a world where we fight to gain attention and love, it makes sense why it’s so difficult to accept such a gift from our Creator. And it’s true, we were unworthy. Death is what we deserved, but it’s not what we were given.
Death is what Jesus was given, so that He could give us life.
It’s been an interesting time here. I’ve had a unique chance to see myself in a life so foreign to the one I had become accustomed to. I’ve learned a lot about myself and how I react, cope and relate to people around me. God has seriously been doing some growing and teaching in ways that I didn’t expect. Moving here has really pushed me out of my comfort zone, but I’m so, so grateful that I left that comfort, because there’s so much more that God has for me to discover.
I’ve been wanting to write another blog post, but for a while, it didn’t feel right. It felt like if I wrote, there would be no conclusion, because it seemed I was still searching for one. This isn’t to say that I’ve somehow found the end of all my mess-ups and problems, but I’m on a journey, and God is working. So, I want to leave you all with the reminder that you are not alone. No matter where you travel on this Earth, or whom you leave behind, God is always constant. He is the same God in the rejoicing and in the trials.
Listen for His calling, He has open arms for you.
“Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.”
Psalm 139:7-12 (NIV)